Surviving memories today…

TIPS AN TECHNIQUES

So as said before the memories I have, the little triggers I get all still hurt me and cause me to regress to the moment in which it happened… So now I will give you the techniques I use to put these out of my head and help me to become a little bit stronger… These techniques are ones that I don’t need to have a counsellor around to use or do these are simple and easy and for me and I hope those who may need them it can help you too…
1. pick and flick
This is one my friend told me. It’s what I start off with, I pick the memory; I imagine the memory getting pushed inside this box and packed up then in my mind I flick it with a giant finger SEND IT FLYING!!!!

2. The next thing I do is my tapping, which I talked about previously… This is done till I’m calm enough to do a meditation ritual… I’ll talk about two over points 3 & 4.

3. This meditation technique is the simplest one and one I personally can use anywhere… Are you ready… Close your eyes… And listen for the silence…

You will find there is none and this will simply calm your mind and still your breathing to make you at peace again… Or at least it does for me and after doing this for a while I now can do this eyes open or closed with much the same effects.

4. This is not so simple you can do this sitting up or laying down which ever you prefer… Start with your eyes closed, and picture yourself sitting beside a mountain ( this mountain is as tall as your problems) and slowly a cloud comes down to you which you step on and sink onto… It can take your whole weight just let yourself sink deeper and deeper… Until you are completely laying in the fluffiness of this cloud… And then this cloud takes you to this highest point of the mountain, where you step off and there you are washed over by a calming (insert your happy colour) mist washing away the worries left in your body… Slowly you walk forward and after the mist someone that gives you great joy is waiting to take your hand… They may talk to you or just walk with you, your walking up to a waterfall… This is the last stop on your journey through this meditation and where your person lets go of your hand and let’s you sit under the waterfall gettin washed over and finally relaxing into a deep slumber of peace…

These 3 steps are what keep me together, and save me each day… And these are what let me talk now finally of my hurt and pain because I know that it will help me and maybe someone else along the way.

Time to move on part 2

I’m sorry everyone reading for the disturbance but as I’m sure you can all imagine these memories can bring back a lot of distress so today I will finish off telling you this memory an than I will do another post on how I controlled and settled the anxiety I felt from this.

In the moments where my father screamed abuse and told me he would kill me I had the thoughts that i remember once hearing from him

if you ever leave I will find you no matter what you do how you try change I have people every where and I will make sure your found

and so I was petrified of course I was, who wouldn’t be. The workers at the refuge called the police who arrived just after my father left… I couldn’t get over it did he know they were coming or was it just luck… And so the worker and the police sat with me and finally got me to speak again… I was in shock… And scared… I shut my self into a little ball of fear not wanting to talk or be near anyone. I just wanted a time out of life… This was when my greatest suicidal thoughts came to play… How could he kill me if I killed myself first… I could end it all and no one would care. My nana was looked after and no other family members cared about me, to them I was related to my father, I couldn’t be trusted while around him…
But still the police insisted on an AVO… I begged them not to knowing for sure if police went to my fathers door because of me then that truly would be the end of me… And so nothing was done… But while I was in that town I wasn’t allowed anywhere alone, my father turned my sanctuary into a prison where I stayed for a while before having to move to another town to escape the pain and anger there was from him in that surroundings… Before I could leave I had to change all my bank details, centerlink details and basically my whole identity, for they had stolen my money and any thing of value to my name to use for themselves… I had no identity like birth certificates etc so I had to start from scratch and build my life up…. On the day before I had found another place to stay everything happened again… My mother rang and left a message saying she was scared and needed help… I was foolish and thought that she did so I rang back organized to meet her near the refuge and bring her in with me… It turned out to be a trap… My father once again beat me and all I could do was run I wasn’t far from the refuge and so I was able to get back with minor bruises and a lip that was cracked… Bleeding and in so much pain the workers took me to the next refuge themselves not wanting to risk me getting hurt again… The workers thought I’d be safe just going around the corner especially when they heard the message too….
My father and mother both made me truly believe they were untrustworthy and hurtful people in this moment… But also made me believe stronger that I was truly unwanted and only worth dieing, a true waste of space… What person apart from me would be that uncared for to be screamed and beaten by their own parents…

This was my pivotal moment where my life became worse but better all in one. If I hadn’t left the town where they were, if I hadn’t been forced to flee and survive I never would have known I was strong enough to survive…

Thank you for listening an please if your in a similar position stay strong and try get out and move on…

Time to move on…

So here goes another memory one a little bit more recent and in a way was one memory one moment that would change my life and who I would become forever. If this hadn’t happened Id either be dead, or worse off than some of my worst times alone…
This memory is from the day and than coming weeks after I left home or more accurately my father kicked me out…

So let’s begin at the start of where my mind remembers from the day, I was just off being 18. A good age to leave home anyways, but this is not the way anyone should have to leave.
My nana by this time was in the nursing home, after our house where I’d lived for the last 7 yrs had burnt down, we now were at the town my father loved the most. This day was nanas pay day, so not to anyone’s surprise my father wanted to go see her, well more to the point he told my mother to get the f**k out of the car and go get her card. And so this is where this memory starts off…
My father, a family friend (and drug addict so always near dad) and I sitting in the car waiting for my mother to return. Sounds pretty normal yeah… I thought so too, so while my mother is gone I sit in silence and think to myself, what’s happening today. And here’s where I made the huge mistake that if given different timing could have given me worse injuries, or almost death… I asked my father, what are we doing today, and that’s when he snapped… I still remember as clear as day his words… What ever the f**k happens now shut the f**k up an sit there… So there it was his snap, an I foolishly replied ok, I’m sorry was just asking. And that did it, I guess he was right though I should have just sat back and not said a word at old but here’s how it went instead… This is something that haunts me all the time… He started going off at me then, I got called a worthless piece of shit, no one will ever love you, you don’t deserve to live…. Get the f**k out of the car and don’t f**king come back!… Well I begged then please let me stay I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you please please… Next thing the car door opened my mother had returned and still my father wasn’t through with me, he opened the car door on my side and dragged me out by my hair… I was crying bawling and unable to understand why this had happened… No one helped me not my mother or the other “friend” in the car… My father dragged me away from the car and told me to stay the f**k where you are. I don’t want to see you again!… And he got back in the car and off they went. I waited for what seemed hours, thinking he might have come back. I thought someone might have cared… Then it dawned on me that no one cared about me why should they I was worthless, stupid, everything else my father had told me I was throughout the years… I had to be to have this happen…

The only place I could think of to go that I may have been safe was to a place called Centacare (which is like a job skills place and helped students keep going through the final years of school) here I spoke to my case worker, finally someone who cared… They got me into the women’s refuge in the town… I was safe or so I thought…
Two days went past nothing heard from any of my family… Then that third day… They worked out where I was, my father was out the front at first saying sorry… I had the workers go down and ask him to leave as I needed some space… And he started again to the point telling me I was dead, that if I ever was downtown alone I would be killed by him…

I’m sorry I have to leave this here… I have to much pain from this I will continue this memory later… This is were my tapping will come in…

Tapping out my hurt

So I guess this blogging business is going to bring up things as I go through my own life journey till now. And in that is a problem as I will get stressed and it will impact me more and more so how do I deal with it… Tapping
I don’t know if you know this technique at all but I’m including a link to give you a guide to what it is. And for me I use the words I am writing a new story, the words of the past are being rewritten, I am not alone, I am me, I can change the way my words are put, the canvas is blank, let me write my own journey
And I repeat this on every cycle of the tapping. Before I start I rank my emotions from 0 being not there to 10 being the most powerful emotion ever… If I can even get to 3 in my ranking then that is good. If while doing this I get a new emotion I than do the cycle for that.

This tapping is what helps me every day. And I’ve developed one that I can do on the go by tapping on my dominant hand my thumb with every finger at least five taps of every finger I can do a shorter version with positive affirmations my favorite being

I’m ok

How simple is that one affirmation but for me it’s powerful.
http://www.emofree.com/eft-tutorial/tapping-basics/how-to-do-eft.html
And this site will give greater detail but I think even those who don’t suffer from bipolar etc. will be helped by this.

Goodluck and remember you can survive.

My life today…

As I sit today and from my last post, I think of how my oldest daughter is almost four, and how I could never put them her or my youngest through anything like what I was put through.

I have come so far to be the best mother and person I can be. Before I became pregnant with my eldest I was in an unhealthy relationship, a drug addict and was extremely suicidal and I didn’t know where I needed to be in my life. The only thing I knew was how to get my drugs. Now I am married, and we own our own home, cars, I have two beautiful daughters and a job that I enjoy thoroughly. And I have counseling which helps get me through my struggles.

So how did I go from one extreme to another… Well in still trying to work ou how as well… And the biggest thing is I was scared to be like my own mother or father, I was becoming my biggest fear. And I was hurting myself to much… I was scared to go to jail after a court case led to having a good behavior bond. So off to rehab I and my partner at the time went… From there I became pregnant… This was the start of a new journey for me and one for the better… This was just a part of a serious of events that got me into the best mind frame and the happiest part of my life.

I will keep making posts that aren’t all in order but will make sense in the end. It will create the journey that was my life, and will create a knowledge for all on how survival happens even in the most dire circumstances… I am also one that will learn more about myself.

My first memory…

I still have my first memory engraved into my mind. It isn’t pleasant and it isn’t one I share often but I shall share my first memory, from when I was only 4. Yes this is a late age to have a memory from but when you read this you may understand why… I have sparse memories of my childhood… And this is because of the horror of my childhood… This memory isn’t as bad as some so that’s why we’ll start here.

The year 1994…. We lived in a small house in the middle of no where, it was about 20kms from our nearest small town. And on this day it started like any other day we got up went to the dam came back inside and did some things inside… I didn’t go to preschool or anything I was always at home. My nana lived with us too. And then it began the argue meant between mum and dad… I don’t know what it was about but next thing you know dads grabbed his rifle and told us all that he was going and wouldn’t return. This became his go to threat whenever he was angry. But this in itself isn’t the worst of this day. My nana who was dads mum was petrified that dad would literally kill himself and so the argue then became between nana and mum. From a simple won’t you go after him from nana. My mother became a monster to her too. Screaming and yelling. It than became that my mother had my nana by the hair and so my nana grabbed back. They were spinning around and around with a piece of each other’s hair in their hands… Now you may be asking yourself where was I in all this. Well up until this point I was crying in the corner begging please stop… No one heard me no one cared… I moved from the corner to protect them both. I moved between. Them shouting for them to stop. Then my father walked in… He grabbed me first and threw me outside down the stairs…. I still cringe in pain from it… Lucky to break no bones. I got up and went back inside I had to save my mother… Dad had her and cracked her skull by kneeing her in the head.
I screamed again and he finally let go of my mother. But turned to me I was beat till I was bruised from head to toe from his hand and a belt. The reason was because I wouldn’t shut up.

This day made now makes me realize that as a child I didn’t care about my self… I had to save the ones I loved… Later on I realized this was a one way street with my mother, soon it became clear that the only person I could depend on was my nana. She would be my rock and savior for a lot of my life….

I started with this story straight up to show that even from the poorest starts then life an beauty can continue.

Please keep reading life does get better I promise and it will be shown in coming parts of my life journey.

The question is why… The answer follows

This blog is one created from true events only. It’s something I need to share to hopefully help others that may think their life is over. Or that it’s just to painful. I hope that these short little tales of my past may touch someone and help to realise that it can get better. Please give me time to get all things out. It’s not in order but just a piece here and a piece there. For now I will tell you all about myself and who I am today. Than we’ll go through this journey from there.

I’m almost 25, have two beautiful children and a loving husband. I honestly couldn’t be more blessed. But that’s my exterior. Who I am honestly is a scared little girl constantly Trapt in the world of my past, fighting to break free and survive. I have bi polar, I get triggered by the smallest thing. And I hurt so badly inside. To define who I am is easily put as that little girl. But I am at a stage in my life where I am nurturing my scared little girl to become an energetic female full of life and hope that I never truly knew.

I attend counseling and other helpful therapy.
My eldest daughter is not my husbands so I still have court battles and thAt itself is totally new story for another day.
I am a lonely but strong person. I hope you join me on my journey from the past to the present. Until my life story’s start. Be kind to yourself because life won’t always be kind to you.